Ramblings of an injured heart..

I was never the one to be helped..I am always the helper.. My friends like to say I'm gifted in that department, because I always jump to help someone if they need it..even if it's just a hug or someone to sit next to them..

So, what do I do when I'm the one needing support and no one's here? For the past three days all I wanted to do was lie in bed and not see anyone..of course, that isn't an option..so I just got up and pretended everything is ok...but it so isn't..

I never depended on anyone else..I was always able to take care of myself..then why do I feel I am fading away? 

My friends are not here...because they cannot be! I know that if they were around I would have had a slumber party with Di and probably a bike ride with Simon and a movie afternoon with Sam. And I know I wouldn't have to say a thing..because they would know..they always do. That's what friends are for...those friends who are just like family and for whom you would do anything! And I'm lucky enough to have that type of friends!!!

Don't get me wrong..I know a whole bunch of people...but they're not them! They're not those friends who I know love me for who I am. They might become friends like that...but not yet...

And the worst part is...when he needed it..I was there for him..always..except one time, when I wasn't able to be with him,not because I didn't want to...but because I couldn't...and now he doesn't even want to see me..


Maybe I should just become one of those people who just care about themselves... At least when I needed someone and I would be alone, I would know it is all my fault...or maybe I should just stop caring..




 

I hate..

I hate it when you make me feel like this..like I ain't worth it..
I hate it when you forget we made plans...'cause that means you forgot about me..
I hate that you can make me feel the luckiest person in the whole wide world..and the next second you can make me feel so bad...
I hate that you don't know what you want...but at the same time do..
I hate that you got worried about some friends when they got ill...and just didn't give a damn when I went to the hospital..
I hate that I try my best...and you put everyone else before me..
I hate that you can look at me like you love me and then go and make me feel like I don't mean a thing..
I hate that you made me fall in love and that you made me trust you...and that you hurt me so much..

But most of all...I hate that you don't even seem to notice..

Departed

   I lie awake in bed and think. Where are you now? Can you see? Hear? Feel? Taste? Are you afraid or happy? Not knowing is the worst…it makes me think even more. Somehow I hope you feel peace…I know it sounds like a cliché, but I really do. I hope you can look at us from above..and shine on us!

  You were my friend, my aunt, my mother, my father…for over a year…you took care o me when I was sick and made me happy when I was down..I only physically met you at the age of 10, but somehow I feel like I’ve known you my entire life. I cannot recall a time where you weren’t present, where you didn’t exist. You were miles and miles away and yet so close…

  You taught me to get loose…not to care so much, not to hurt and feel pain. You told me stories and made me laugh. You were a child in a grown woman’s  body. So much like him…

  You raised five great children who came to be great men. You taught with love and understanding. You were loved by your husband. You loved animals and were loved by them as well.

  You had a great life. And somehow…I feel it wasn’t enough. 

  I did not have enough time with you. 

  I wanted to know you more…to hear your laugh just one more time…for one   more second.

  I wanted to call you and tell you I love you.

  I wanted you to tell me more stories from after the war, all those things you and my Dad made…all those tricks you played on people.

  I wanted to have one more chance…just one more chance to hug you and tell you you would get through with it.

  But you didn’t. And now you’re gone. Forever. I will never see you again or hear you laugh or be able to tell you I will never forget you. Ever. Because you were great. I will never be able to tell how proud I was to be you niece…to be able to say I was you blood…that I was a part of you and you a part of me.

   We will never forget you.

A new beginning

I erased all of my previous posts. This is my new beginning...a new life...new friends...new boyfriend...new everything. 

And it's going to be amazing!!!